Barn Pixie

I worked on set pieces yesterday with a pair of apprentices Alice kindly pointed out are actual useful helpers who are not related to me. She thinks this is some kind of first in my history of Paintbox, and possibly of theater since Aerin started working on things in her second year. And I got sucked in.

Today I worked at a dressage show at the Secretary table, checking people in and scoring tests as they were brought in. It is a schooling show, a place I used to ride, and work, and live a lot of my life, and now I don't. It felt odd - I recognized about 2 of the horses there, and none of the riders or horses in the show, but a couple of the trainers. The show was full, running nicely on time, there were no scratches, it was so smooth and simple, and I felt cross threaded with the entire thing from the beginning to the end. I came home at lunch time, managed a sammich and visited with Aerin (home from Cambridge for the weekend) and Alice - they took turns sitting on me, or leaning on me, which is how we show affection in this house. I still feel like crying. I sort of want to ride, but watching the nervous horses made my stomach clench. All the morning tests were Intro A, B and C, so boring and basic, and not entirely interesting to watch. The weather was gorgeous, I was thoroughly appreciated... 

I don't know why I'm so unhappy.

I wonder if some of it is working on coping with my dear demented Da's decline, and not seeing anything getting simpler for years. That feels like a lot to be looking at, but it also isn't me shouldering the majority of the care and worrying, or even the majority of the answering. There is a LOT of answering. If I sit on the couch after time with him, I don't move until the end of the day. If I go work in my studio, then I can only work on things I have mapped out, that need the mindless labor part, not the careful focus and creativity part.

I'm sad my kids are big and don't need me, even though when they were small I never actually believed it would happen before I went completely around the bend. I might have, in fact, gone utterly around the bend, which is why I am sad when they are not here, and moderately impatient when they are.

I feel like I should find some actual real work that pays, but I can't fit it around elder care and artwork. Which makes me think I should put more effort into selling my work online or through galleries, but I get so hung up on presentation and finished work. I guess there are steps there I can take next.

I wonder if I should up my antidepressants, or if I should think about or talk to someone about taking something different. Prozac worked, I think? for a long time. Maybe this is something different.