Barn Pixie

everyone has burnout -

my partner does, and is very (VERY, like OMG just shut up p already) aware of it, and reporting back to me how he's feeling on the regular. Mostly anger, some about work, not working is better than working for him but he isn't at a place where he feels he can retire yet, so he is both bitter about that and working on cutting back - taking sick days ("unlimiited" PTO will be tested) and skiving off where it won't be noticed. Cutting back on meetings makes the most difference, and unfortunately since he's been bumped to managing (no change in pay, no real change in technical expectations - I hate these people so much) all of his work time is meetings. Which means him shouting into the telephone (I think he's going deaf, because he's been shouting more in daily life as well - he doesn't think he is, but being on the receiving end feels like he is projecting to the back of the classroom or the other end of a phone line, and I am right there, two feet away from him.) He has a friend who is a retired psychiatrist, and she's been pshrinking him some (which I worry about for different reasons, like imposing on friendships and the ethics of pshrinking one's friends) which seems to help some, but nothing helps more than not working, which he can't quite undertake full time yet. The friend has been urging him to think about what the company might owe him, instead of the reverse, and pushing hard for long term disability to cope. He thinks they'd just fire him because there are financial shenanigans afoot that require a good looking bottom line.

My older kid does too - they described 'autistic burnout' and said they were on a long slow glide path down
I, of course, panicked, and came out with groceries and sympathy and they looked at me and apologized for worrying me? which
no hon, I would fly to your side for lesser worries than this
so that is present and related and do they talk to each other? no, no they do not. Should they? yes. Definitely.
This is all complicated by their partner losing another job, and them realizing they've been working since they graduated and doesn't one get a sabbatical at 7 years? Or a change or something? Were he working, they could take a break and be the butterfly spouse, but that doesn't seem to be their dynamic at all, and that feels unfair from where I am. They have been the steadily working responsible one for the entire duration of this relationship which is going on 12 years (which is SO WILD to me because they were both babies when they started together) (this paragraph clearly demonstrated the drawbacks to singular they, doesn't it?) but anyhow - I think my kids deserves a chance to faff about, and I am doing my best to make that happen in smaller doses at least.

I thought I also had burnout because I was feeling unhappy about everything especially food, and feeling perpetually faintly nauseous all the time. On the ship I assumed I had just failed to acclimate, which was unexpected, but ok - that is what the seasick meds are for, but it persisted off the ship and all through Iceland and after I got home again, so I managed a Dr appointment and they asked for a blood draw and a breath test for h. Pylori which was a thing I had suspected but didn't want to be forward? but I think I may have borked the test, and I finally sent a message through the patient portal asking if the test had come back and if it was worth starting pre-emptive antibiotics now because this is fucking miserable. I'm increasingly certain this is to blame for more migraines in the last couple months and two really severe ones. If this gets better and I can think about food again, it would be reassuring, because I don't think we can take one more burnout case in this fam right now.

The younger crow, on the other hand, is fuckign amazing - they're on the R/V Neil Armstrong (one of the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute's big research ships) off the coast of Greenland doing sediment cores and analysis of algae in the water column. She's been writing trip reports that are hilarious and helpful, and seems to be having a fine time.

250 miles, 3 migraines, 2 cars, two adult children, two spouses, three grandchildren, two official family dinners - one realllly long weekend

We (Alice, Aerin and I) went to see my mother Friday. My brother was there with his wife and new baby. They were touring with the baby - his handlers and himself, on view to the masses...  For two happy days, plus this morning, I got to hug my nephew, who has to be one of the best babies of his age in the whole world. On Saturday we visited and ate non-stop. We saw my aunt and uncle, who are lovely in small doses. We saw my spare parents, and hugged them a lot. Al even drove in for lunch and supper, and drove home again. Aerin went with him because she was getting sick (mostly just snot; I am always grateful when there is no puking involved) and finally this morning Alice and I got blown about on Crane's beach before heading home. Honestly, it was 25 or 30 knots of wind, with whitecaps everywhere. We were joking about putting a string on Alice, and maybe a little more sail area and we could have flown her like a kite.

exercise: some beach, lots of hugging
horses: none, not even any on the beach to pine after
fabric: done and a view of the pieces so far

Who knew that the up side of riding a really difficult horse was that the return to an easier horse was BRILLIANT? 

Kaboose and I turned in a series of sterling canter departs, after some suppling and bending exercises I had used on the lesson horse. It was that feeling of holding between my should blades, and sitting harder or softer, that made a huge difference, plus the fact that I wasn't being propelled from the saddle by the size of her movement. I used less hand (thank you midnightsjane, you are completely correct - the worst part about Tuesday was yielding in the face of what felt like uncontrolled acceleration) and thought about buymeaclue's image of having horse in front of me. Whatever it was, it worked, and we got a series of soft, sweet, forward canter departs, with a good deal of much nicer, balanced canter, and even some non-rushing, non-falling-on-our-forehand down transitions. She was so light and I was so together, we tried a handful of walk-canter transitions, and she was so awesome I stopped.

Then I rode baby Ruby, and she was great too - we walked and trotted and halted, steering around in circles and experimenting with light contact. Then I tried to get her to move away from just one leg. A tiny, baby turn on the forehand. After some thought she got it figured out off my right leg, so I tried moving her off my left leg. I cracked up when she offered to move right into it - she'd figured out sideways, but forgot she had another side. Or something. We got that straightened out after a couple tries, and she was done. We went for an amble down the road to explore a little, and got brought home by the rain. I was pleased I'd thrown over my yoga/pilates for riding, because the riding days are feeling increasingly precious as the winter comes barrelling towards us.

In circus, I still remember and can still do my routine on the trapeze. I ran through it twice and then stated feeling wobbly. I hated the trapeze I was using - the ropes were too short and for one move I had my hands on the straps holding it to the ceiling. Which was vile. And handstands and headstands, and poor Al was practicing cartwheels. He bends at the waist, on the wrong way, so Bronwyn had him cartwheeling between two upright mats. It looked claustrophobic, but both girls could do it. Well, the older one cartwheels like breathing. The little one still has to fling herself at things.