essentials of gender

I am revisited by the ghost of myself
when Aerin was born they said "it's a girl" and I
having spent 9 months convinced this would be a boy, said
"are you SURE?" and everyone laughed at me and yet
when I was pregnant with Alice and
needed to stabbed with a giant needle, for amnio
they asked "do you want to know sex of the baby"
and me, high on nausea and indecision said "sure" so they
aimed the ultrasound and said "it's a girl" and I
having spent the first several months of this pregnancy convinced this time
it would be a boy, said
"aer you SURE??" and everyone laughed at me again
and the Dr. said "pretty sure - we do a lot of these"
and Al patted my hand because he could see confusion,
and a kind of desperation to escape,
and I swallowed the ideas of boys and girls
and tried to raise them in between,
in green and yellow and stripes that told nothing
of the shape of the body underneath
and now, someone says Aerin is a girl and I can say "nope, they told me otherwise"
and someone says Alice is a girl she says "eh - labels mean so little"
so
I
was
RIGHT