karate and testing
Mar. 23rd, 2019 03:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dancing_crowI was invited to test for the next level in karate. In this tradition, the next step is a green tip on my white belt.
I am really torn - I was sure I was going to be the oldest, best white belt on the planet. I am (still) not sure I want to take on more learning or practicing or ... anything. The whole idea of getting better was not really on my radar? I meant merely to show up and flail happily in the back row and just stay there, for a while. Like years. I don't particularly want to learn another kata, or a different stance, I feel like I am holding on with my fingertips to the knowledge I have gotten so far, and I could legit practice it for a while yet.
But Sensei says I should take the test. It was much kinder than "stop complaining, take the damn test" but the upshot is I should stop complaining and take the test. Like a thesis defense, you are not invited to test until they think you are already ready to be there. It isn't their fault that I think slowly and am unwilling to move forward. It also is not their fault if I do not believe I am ready. I think. They can see the work I am doing, and how often I show up for practice. They can see my understanding of the basics, and ability to produce them. I'm not sure I can put my finger on why I believe my own inner voices more than external, relatively neutral observers.
When you sign up for lessons, it is this delicate balance between listening to the teacher and not listening to the teacher. For intellectual things, it is possible to be present and disagree and find use in the class over all. For art classes it is a different balance, between learning what the teacher has to offer and keeping your own personal style and vision. For physical things it can be more fraught, because you have to trust the teacher not to hand you more than you can do. It is this delicate tightrope where I commit to doing what the teacher tells me to do, to the best and utmost of my current ability, and they don't ask for more than I am capable of. I have to have faith that they see my abilities more clearly than I do. They can also see my faults and failings, and fix them - that is what the lesson is for - but they can't see anything unless I try to do what they are telling me to do next.
These are thoughts I've had about lessons in general. I have had a lot of lessons in my life: art lessons, sewing technique lessons, riding lessons, yoga and pilates classes, circus classes - I am quite willing to put my faith in a teacher and follow their instruction, but I am always listening to my inner voices about what my own mental and physical boundaries are.
So on April 1 I will present myself for a test in karate, hoping that between now and then I'll feel like I have a better grip, and possibly feel like I have an actual trajectory rather than just a presence.
I am really torn - I was sure I was going to be the oldest, best white belt on the planet. I am (still) not sure I want to take on more learning or practicing or ... anything. The whole idea of getting better was not really on my radar? I meant merely to show up and flail happily in the back row and just stay there, for a while. Like years. I don't particularly want to learn another kata, or a different stance, I feel like I am holding on with my fingertips to the knowledge I have gotten so far, and I could legit practice it for a while yet.
But Sensei says I should take the test. It was much kinder than "stop complaining, take the damn test" but the upshot is I should stop complaining and take the test. Like a thesis defense, you are not invited to test until they think you are already ready to be there. It isn't their fault that I think slowly and am unwilling to move forward. It also is not their fault if I do not believe I am ready. I think. They can see the work I am doing, and how often I show up for practice. They can see my understanding of the basics, and ability to produce them. I'm not sure I can put my finger on why I believe my own inner voices more than external, relatively neutral observers.
When you sign up for lessons, it is this delicate balance between listening to the teacher and not listening to the teacher. For intellectual things, it is possible to be present and disagree and find use in the class over all. For art classes it is a different balance, between learning what the teacher has to offer and keeping your own personal style and vision. For physical things it can be more fraught, because you have to trust the teacher not to hand you more than you can do. It is this delicate tightrope where I commit to doing what the teacher tells me to do, to the best and utmost of my current ability, and they don't ask for more than I am capable of. I have to have faith that they see my abilities more clearly than I do. They can also see my faults and failings, and fix them - that is what the lesson is for - but they can't see anything unless I try to do what they are telling me to do next.
These are thoughts I've had about lessons in general. I have had a lot of lessons in my life: art lessons, sewing technique lessons, riding lessons, yoga and pilates classes, circus classes - I am quite willing to put my faith in a teacher and follow their instruction, but I am always listening to my inner voices about what my own mental and physical boundaries are.
So on April 1 I will present myself for a test in karate, hoping that between now and then I'll feel like I have a better grip, and possibly feel like I have an actual trajectory rather than just a presence.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-24 04:20 pm (UTC)It is absolutely more about self improvement than comparison. Thank you for the reminder, and a solid and polite response to the Sensei.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-24 04:27 pm (UTC)Me: Only if Sensei makes me do it.
Her: If he doesn't I will.
I graded.