(no subject)

My da's memory is vanishing more and more each week - it used to be possible to trowel over some of the holes or backfill them so he almost remembered a thing, but those times are decreasing and the moments of deep confusion are increasing. Lucia said this morning he was up at 6 putting on his clothes because he "had to walk home, and wanted to get started" which has to be different kinds of disorienting to each side.

He and I were talking (and I use the term loosely) today about how old he is and how is he not dead yet, and what would it be like to die. We talked a little about what we might use for signals that that it is actually him haunting me. Then we looped off into my mother, and why they are not married, and like it had just struck him he says "are we not married anymore because I died? Am I dead now?" which is both hilarious and also a perfectly reasonable question? We went back and forth for a minute on how I was fairly certain I was not dead, and he was here talking to me, then he said he hoped it was as easy as falling asleep, closed his eyes for six seconds, opened them again, and said "huh - didn't die that time either" and was thinking about trying again when I convinced him to maybe hold off on dying until after lunch. Lunch is almost always worth hanging around for.

so yeah. Surreal. Not terribly stressful, but circular, and deeply surreal.