no crying in circus

I don't want to go see Smirkus anymore, and thinking about leaving that piece of my life behind makes me want to cry but going to see it also makes me want to cry, so. I think, having walked home from ushering with a headache and not seeing it even to the intermission, that we've outgrown it, and I miss wanting to do that thing with my small children, back when we used to be able to bike to it, and Al would bring us home with the bike and trailer in the van. I miss being a parent of younger kids, i miss being a younger mom, I almost miss not knowing what was going to happen next. Watching Alice and Aerin get beyond huge and into adult is great and also deeply nostalgia inducing. I can see why my mother is living farther and farther back in her memories - not in an alzheimers way, but in a wistful and nostalgic way.

I might also want to cry because my head hurts and I am tired and far too hot and I hate this weather and i would truthfully rather have February back for a week. Although I probably didn't think that when we were actually having February.

eh.

shower and bed.

things are always better after sleeping.
Except nightmares.