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The raccoons are too smart to hide behind a paper plate. They would use a Richard Nixon mask. And a trench coat.
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The raccoons in our neck of the woods lead pretty raucous lives. They tip over trash cans and fight under back porches...

After we came home from vacation a couple years ago, Al went into the house first to chase the raccoons out. The girls and I sat in the car, thinking about what the raccoons could be doing - surfing the internet? (reading furry porn says I, and Al cracks up) or boating in the flooded cellar in the pasta pot? or maybe dealing marshmallows out the back door to the neighboring raccoons? They had cleared out before we got home, and tidied up after themselves, but we wondered.

Now, the raccoons have my wallet. It got removed from the car, unless it fell out, at the park where we were sailing this afternoon. I can imagine them, driving a car like Shanenon Garrity's hamsters, massed behind a mask and a trench coat, using my license for ID. They have the credit cards too. What can a raccoon do with a credit card? Nothing now that I've cancelled them, but imagine, if you will, the kids' tool section of the newly opened Home Depot. If that doesn't make your blood run cold, you are not thinking. Hammers, saws, nail guns, batteries - so long as their disguise remains intact, they can acquire all the makings for doomsday weapons. Or for really properly attacking the garbage, and the raccoon proof containers at the park.

So I imagine them ordering steaks from Omaha Steak co. and a weber grill and having a jolly-up in the woods where no one can find them. Maybe beer. Can you get beer online? or do they have to rely on their disguise?

And reading furry porn.


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