on missing the children

[dancing_crow]

I realized today that when I say to Aerin "I missed you" I mean not only that I have missed having her 21 year old self around the house, holding down her corner of the couch and snarking at foolishness, I have also missed the past selves, the 18 and 13 and 12 and 8 and 6 year old children that were perpetually here, and underfoot and fascinating and beloved. I am wrecked with nostalgia for past incarnations of my kids. This is how I can miss Alice and she is still here, how I can be so absurdly wistful when faced with other people's small children.

I am mourning the past, for no good reason. It was good. I miss it. Now isn't bad, at all, just ...

missing my kids being small.

Aerin kindly pointed out that she could only help with one part of the above problem. So she came and leaned on me and we talked for a couple hours, about college, and how to make friends, and how to be social, and when you find your tribe, and default tribes - all the things.